Turtles, Swimming, and Drowning.

Over the last six months, I’ve experienced so much. At this time, the entire last year of my life feels unreal and dreamlike-a blur. I know that nothing anyone could have said would have even come close to preparing me for what this new opportunity has presented. Like-wise, no one can tell you what your future holds. In the next year, you may acquire the best roommates. You may have 3 dates a week. You may have 3 dates in an entire semester. You may be headed out as the world’s greatest missionary; you may be off to work the toughest job. Or Mr. Right may present himself right off. And, you may even be successful in a classroom. Sometimes, you'll feel like the world is on your side- the stars have aligned just for you. But there will be days that you swear they saw you coming and misaligned themselves.

When I stepped out of my first apartment on onto my own “Welcome” matt, the city’s morning noises filled me with a myriad of feelings and flutters of excitement. I almost skipped down the stairs in a perfect “first-day-of-school” fashion.Beginning college gave me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like when you’re swimming and you want to put your feet on something solid, but the water is deeper than you think and there’s nothing there. I discovered that occasionally my toes would begin to find some ground and it would turn out to be a passing turtle. There is only one thing that has been a grounding factor for me. Only one thing that has continually caught me as I learn to trust that I can be lead to solid ground, even if I have to tread water for a while. That is the Gospel. There are many ways that we find the gospel touching our lives: so many ways that the Gospel puts our lives in Christ’s hands.

“There’s a peace I’ve come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There’s an anchor for my soul, I can say, “it is well”. Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. The victory is won; He is risen from the dead. And I will rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise, on eagles’ wings, before my God, fall on my knees and rise. I will rise. There’s a day that’s drawing near when this darkness breaks to night, and the shadows disappear and my faith shall be my eyes.” 

I am a member of the Latter-day Celebration Choir at the Orem Institute. As I have participated in this choir, I have learned so much. Aside from the amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunities I have been privileged to participate in, I have learned that it is very possible to feel the spirit in every ounce of life. As a choir, we feel the spirit in our fun and some days it has struck hearts in profound ways: especially mine. 

On particularly rough days though, when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, my choir director’s contagious attitude reminds me that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good! And some days, the fact that we’re all still breathing is reason enough to celebrate. Institute is the place where people will celebrate with you. And on the best days, my institute teachers are helping me to look to a life that I can love 100% of the time. 

Through institute I’ve been reminded to do more, need less, smile often, dream big and realize that I’m much too blessed to be stressed.

There will be nights that it’s 3 am and you can’t sleep. In the last while, when this has happened to me, I’ve stepped out onto my front porch with a blanket and my journal and just felt the cold outside as it enveloped me. I would breathe in and create clouds when I would breathe out. I would watch the star scattered sky and search for the moon. I would then whisper all of my uncertainties aloud. I’d let the stars carry my worries for a while.

 I’d sit and pray and I’d write lengthy and out reaching words. I would write the things I wanted to tell people that I knew I didn’t have the courage to show them. And I’d write until my hand cramped and I was shivering from the cold and I’d crawl into bed again feeling just a little lighter.And it’s on those nights that I finally realized that unexpected things are always going to happen in life. 

And with that, that the only control I have is how I handle them. So I’m making the decision to survive using courage, humor, grace, and most importantly, the Gospel and Christ. With that, the choice of success becomes mine. Start deciding to live the life that you had imagined. Believe you can and do it. 

Replace your fear of the future with curiosity of your potential. And one day, you’ll look around and find that life is pretty amazing.

I encourage you to be beautiful, not through the world’s eyes but be beautiful because of the way you think. Be beautiful for that sparkle in your eye when you talk about something you love. Be beautiful because of your ability to make others smile even if you’re sad. You aren’t going to be beautiful for something as temporary as your looks. You’re going to be beautiful deep down into your soul.


There will be many ways for you to come to know Christ better. There will be many tools that lead you to your solid ground. Institute is one of those God-given assets that have proved to be profoundly instrumental in the success of my college career. Heavenly Father will place teachers and fellow students into your path that will change your life and whole post-high school experience.I bear my testimony that there is “a peace I’ve come to know though my heart and flesh has failed. There is a safety for my soul. I can say, “It is well.”” I know that if you make institute a priority- whether or not you will be attending college right away, you will feel the influence of Christ in your life more impressively than ever. 

You will feel His sustaining vote as He qualifies you for your calling. 

Battling my Bully.

She approaches me. Her intent steely, cold, abrasive; grating deeply against my mind. She isn't physical, she doesn't throw punches. But her words knock the wind out of me. She persuades my mind against itself. She is what is traditionally referred to as a bully.

Today, bullies have many means of wreaking havoc on the lives of their victims. I myself have experienced bullies in the physical world and the cyber world. And even today, I still battle bullies. 

The wave of guilt that washes over me. The over sensitivity to imperfection. The thorough embarrassment at the slightest deviation from acceptable. The intrusive thoughts (it sounds cliche): everyone would be better off if you just ceased from existence. 

Today, my bully is on the inside. She fights her battles in the solitude of my mind. She pushes me to back-breaking limits. She coerces me into believing that I am broken merchandise-people would rather have used/hand-me-downs than broken. I can't turn her off, log off. I can't walk away. And I'm supposed to be the adult that is responsibly handling this situation. She catches every opportunity to tear me down and out. 

And some days, she gets me. Some days, she wins. But only I let her. I stop fighting back. And I give her the control. 

And then I know. When I am kicking myself while I'm down, I am the only person making me unhappy. I am the only person standing in my way.

I am my own enemy. I am my own bully. And I have the power to believe differently about myself. And as I work it out, she'll get quieter and quieter. Until I am in control again. Until I can again believe that I am worthwhile. And I will grant myself that liberty.

It's Just How it is Here.

Somedays, you get ice cream. Somedays you don't. Somedays you'll rock it out. Some days, you won't. Some people will be nice, and some won't. Sometimes you'll have bad days. Sometimes, you just won't win. Sometimes, you'll feel like the world is on your side- the stars have aligned for you. And somedays, everyone in the world will have someone to love, but you. And you'll feel alone. And you'll wonder, sometimes out loud, if there is any way in the world that someone would ever love you enough to dedicate every of their waking moments to the making of your happiness. And you'll yearn to make someone happy. You hear other's talk of their "one", and you'll imagine that someone would want to hold your heart. One day, you'll find a friend who completes you- the half of you, you didn't know was missing. Somedays you'll be dreaming of things you could do, the people you'll meet and the lives you'll change. And one day, your supply of somedays will run short. It's just how it is here. You'll realize, suddenly, that you have a past, that you've learned a lot. You now know who will always have your back. You need never question who is on your side again.  It's a cruel irony that until your at the last you don't realize how good the middle was.  Let us not be afraid to feel and to feel deeply. We were sent here to experience in every aspect of mortality. Let us feel the sad, the angry, and annoyed: feel it thoroughly, so that we may know how good it feels to be. To be thoroughly enveloped in the sweetness of life, to be happy and to exist in the best ways. That we may no longer need to feel inferior. 
It's just the way it is here. Just know that it-all of it- is simply and admirably lovely.

One. In This Whole Big World.

I am laying awake. It's early morning and I can hear the rain drizzling outside. My window is open and the fresh, crisp air envelopes me. The chorus of rain is accompanied by an occasional thunder clap and my room is illuminated by the lightning. And in the early mornings, I feel like I am the only person awake in this whole big world. It's a lonely feeling, but I don't mind. I feel alive as words flow through me. My solitude invites intimacy to my feelings. 
I love words. They are so powerful. Words have a way of crawling into me and changing the way I think, consequentially, changing the way I choose to act. Words clean up the messes in my mind. My writing is my emotional organization. Sometimes my words come out in a disorganized gush.

 It is my ultimate goal to use my words to influence others for the better: the ones I speak, the ones I write, or by the words that cannot be spoken.

 Parallel to my love of words is my love of music. I have been involved in many different aspects of music throughout my life. And I have found that music fills gaps that words can't express. Music provokes feelings that sometimes can't be put into words. Music, like words, can move people to action. 

Downloading my life through the gentle click of my keyboard. Releasing my thoughts onto a clean sheet of paper: a visible symbol of my existence. Letting the tension run off of my shoulders and disperse into the piano. I feel the clutter leave through my fingertips. It's amazing that my fingers can communicate this way. I close the piano, shut the laptop, lock my journal. I make my mark as one. In this whole big world.