Battling my Bully.

She approaches me. Her intent steely, cold, abrasive; grating deeply against my mind. She isn't physical, she doesn't throw punches. But her words knock the wind out of me. She persuades my mind against itself. She is what is traditionally referred to as a bully.

Today, bullies have many means of wreaking havoc on the lives of their victims. I myself have experienced bullies in the physical world and the cyber world. And even today, I still battle bullies. 

The wave of guilt that washes over me. The over sensitivity to imperfection. The thorough embarrassment at the slightest deviation from acceptable. The intrusive thoughts (it sounds cliche): everyone would be better off if you just ceased from existence. 

Today, my bully is on the inside. She fights her battles in the solitude of my mind. She pushes me to back-breaking limits. She coerces me into believing that I am broken merchandise-people would rather have used/hand-me-downs than broken. I can't turn her off, log off. I can't walk away. And I'm supposed to be the adult that is responsibly handling this situation. She catches every opportunity to tear me down and out. 

And some days, she gets me. Some days, she wins. But only I let her. I stop fighting back. And I give her the control. 

And then I know. When I am kicking myself while I'm down, I am the only person making me unhappy. I am the only person standing in my way.

I am my own enemy. I am my own bully. And I have the power to believe differently about myself. And as I work it out, she'll get quieter and quieter. Until I am in control again. Until I can again believe that I am worthwhile. And I will grant myself that liberty.

It's Just How it is Here.

Somedays, you get ice cream. Somedays you don't. Somedays you'll rock it out. Some days, you won't. Some people will be nice, and some won't. Sometimes you'll have bad days. Sometimes, you just won't win. Sometimes, you'll feel like the world is on your side- the stars have aligned for you. And somedays, everyone in the world will have someone to love, but you. And you'll feel alone. And you'll wonder, sometimes out loud, if there is any way in the world that someone would ever love you enough to dedicate every of their waking moments to the making of your happiness. And you'll yearn to make someone happy. You hear other's talk of their "one", and you'll imagine that someone would want to hold your heart. One day, you'll find a friend who completes you- the half of you, you didn't know was missing. Somedays you'll be dreaming of things you could do, the people you'll meet and the lives you'll change. And one day, your supply of somedays will run short. It's just how it is here. You'll realize, suddenly, that you have a past, that you've learned a lot. You now know who will always have your back. You need never question who is on your side again.  It's a cruel irony that until your at the last you don't realize how good the middle was.  Let us not be afraid to feel and to feel deeply. We were sent here to experience in every aspect of mortality. Let us feel the sad, the angry, and annoyed: feel it thoroughly, so that we may know how good it feels to be. To be thoroughly enveloped in the sweetness of life, to be happy and to exist in the best ways. That we may no longer need to feel inferior. 
It's just the way it is here. Just know that it-all of it- is simply and admirably lovely.

One. In This Whole Big World.

I am laying awake. It's early morning and I can hear the rain drizzling outside. My window is open and the fresh, crisp air envelopes me. The chorus of rain is accompanied by an occasional thunder clap and my room is illuminated by the lightning. And in the early mornings, I feel like I am the only person awake in this whole big world. It's a lonely feeling, but I don't mind. I feel alive as words flow through me. My solitude invites intimacy to my feelings. 
I love words. They are so powerful. Words have a way of crawling into me and changing the way I think, consequentially, changing the way I choose to act. Words clean up the messes in my mind. My writing is my emotional organization. Sometimes my words come out in a disorganized gush.

 It is my ultimate goal to use my words to influence others for the better: the ones I speak, the ones I write, or by the words that cannot be spoken.

 Parallel to my love of words is my love of music. I have been involved in many different aspects of music throughout my life. And I have found that music fills gaps that words can't express. Music provokes feelings that sometimes can't be put into words. Music, like words, can move people to action. 

Downloading my life through the gentle click of my keyboard. Releasing my thoughts onto a clean sheet of paper: a visible symbol of my existence. Letting the tension run off of my shoulders and disperse into the piano. I feel the clutter leave through my fingertips. It's amazing that my fingers can communicate this way. I close the piano, shut the laptop, lock my journal. I make my mark as one. In this whole big world.